I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
