Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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