She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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