So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
