I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
