I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
