i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
