if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
