this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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