Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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