i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Come on in and take your pants off
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
