So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
