i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
