my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
