Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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