Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
