I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
