Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
