He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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