my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
