I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
