ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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