someone threw a dead crab at me
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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