Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
