so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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