I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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