Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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