dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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