Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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