So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We have so much sex to catch up on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
