My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
