We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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