so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
