my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
