OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
