she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
