If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
