Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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