i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
