I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
