matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
