Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
