Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
