Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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