I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
