He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
