How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
