Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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