just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
