I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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