i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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