college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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