Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
