i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
