i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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