M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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