Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
