Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams