Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity