I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.