Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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